July 31, 2015

A brotherly? relationship after the community

    There was a nice co-operation in a kind of ministry. He also had time to discuss various theological and practical church work questions and somewhat concerning our community experience. He let me and my spouse be part of 'God's work' and fellowship and take responibility, i.e contribute with ideas and various serving, including leading Bible discussions (it means he had enough trust in our recognitions). It was a good opportunity to learn deeper about non-controlling church-life.
    But I had been formed by the community and my before-community group to expect more personal fight-sharing, admonishing-encouraging- challenging relationship. He was somewhat open but seemed not very comfortable with it. Well, I expected, at least, that when our common 'ministry' ends, we will remain friends, sometimes sharing how it's going with us. But already when the end was approaching, he distanced himself, e.g didn't come to fellowship/ Bible stuy if others didn't come, later didn't inform any more about not coming.. Maybe these are symptoms of burn-out, and I tend to feel somewhat responsible for it (the burn-out). I have tried, but he seemed not to understand how to clear it up by talking (or I'm expecting too much).
   And after 'the end', when we happened to meet, he has been either in hurry or, in a church event, after greeting and exchanging some sentences, he has gone on to talk with others.   And there was even a case he answered my kid's greeting but didn't look up to greet me who was beside the kid. Well, I myself was that day already burdened by some problems and somewhat busy with the kid, so not enough confident to greet in the crowd unless he looked at me.
   We are not enemies, but just like acquaintances, or even less. After that edifying co-operation and my unfortunately groundless expectations it hurts. In worst moments I feel a bit played on: friendship lasted only as long as I was needed for ministry. It hurts already less than before, but I heard he's thinking of going abroad with his family, and when I see hints (in social media or common e-mail lists) he's probably prearing for it, I feel kind of betrayed again: even less chance we will have anything to do together again and clear anything up. When will I be detached from him and my expectations finally? When will I learn to have deep relationshps without expecting too much from anyone? Well, life must go on and usually I'm able to focus on other things and other people. And if God wants us to meet again and/or clear anything up, he is able to organize it in time we both are ready.

March 9, 2015

Longing for belonging

   It's about a year now since the Bible study meetings in our home ceased unfamously, because there were only few of us and two of them had unsolvable convictions' conflict. As i wrote, I don't feel really belonging in our mainline congregation. Now the family life demands attention and has to be in the center.
   And it's already ten years since the last spring in the community, when once I felt I couldn't really agree with certain attitude of some brethren. I don't remember the details but it was connected to a 'guest', perhaps too quickly rejecting him when he didn't agree with us. This summer ten years ago I felt I didn't belong to the community wholeheartedly and I felt somehow less accepted, less trusted by the community. Then I had some thoughts about life outside, and some dreams at night that I was again with my parents That frightened me for I was still faithful to the only-church-teaching. Anyway it looks like God was a bit preparing me for the exclusion.
   Well, now I feel somewhat alone spiritually again and with new challenges to find spiritual activities that fit my familiy as well.