Feeling excluded without exclusion

   Still years after the exclusion I haven't found satisfying lasting friendships. Well, kids take much of energy. But also I haven't got used with the relationsips in a 'usual' congregation. There is a time for free conversations with coffe/tea and some food together each Sunday, but often nobody comes to join my family in our table. Everybody seems to have their other friends to talk with. Well there is a custom of greeting by hand and perhaps saying some words, but then they go their way. And I tend to be too occupied with kids or some problems and sometimes just overwhelming loneliness that I don't have extra energy and ideas to start to talk with somebody myself.  It may sound just complaining, but it's a fight for me not to feel too useless and unimportant there and alone with my daily struggles.
    Especially hard is when an important e-mail (in church context) is not answered or the answer delays. Then I feel really anxious, rejected etc, similar to the exclusion experience. I get fear I wrote or did something wrong causing the rejection, and hopelessness I can ever learn to fit in and feel really belonging.
In the community there was a good habit to answer e-mails just 'received' or 'thank you', so that the sender knew it was received and seen. Well there was much less e-mail communication than people may have outside the community but anyway I find it was a good habit.

Tasks of an excluded one

Anonymous commented:
"I am very astonished about the loss of recognition of my former brothers and about the way many of you speak about the church in this blog and in some other websites, instead of fighting for deep humility and to find out the deep roots and reasons of your sins which led to the exclusion. Only this may help to remain in relation with God. Not the church is guilty but we our self. It is not our task to criticise and accuse the community, although not everything was good. We all where church and responsible at that time. Now, we can have an influence only on our lives! "

Yes, we were all responsible and we should have shared our recognitions already there more clearly, but it wasn't easy, as explained in the previous comments of the linked topic.

Concerning me, there was a time when I was examining myself in front of God and the community's teaching, and repenting as well as I could. I was thinking, praying and reading the Bible much and God clearly supported me during this time. I had also talks with the community. My final conclusion was: I wasn't excluded, first of all, for my selfishness or lack of faith in God, but for my lack of faith in the community. Unfortunately, their main interest was not my relationship with God, but submission to the community. I think most of them sincerely wanted to help me, being convinced this was right in front of God. So it was love, but in my opinion lacking some recognition. 

As I realized I could not sincerly agree with the community in some matters in the light of the Bible, I saw it loving (according to community's own measure), to share my recognitions. I wrote to them, but as they think they cannot learn anything from the excluded ones, I decided also to publish my thoughts for those who happen to become open to learn from it.

Unfortunately, I don't have much free time, so I don't manage to write very deeply and exhaustively, but only some thougts.

Another comment:
"My only task I see now as excluded one, is to fight for a deep regret and not to loose the right cognitions and standard, not to fall into grave sins."

Yes, I also think, it is important not to fall into grave sins.

Leaving was like death of a close person

Unfortunately at least some feelings we had were similar:

http://www.reveal.org/library/psych/ithurts.html

"There is a grieving process to pass through. Whereas most people understand that a person must grieve after a death etc, they find it difficult to understand the same applies in this situation. There is no instant cure for the grief, confusion and pain. Like all grieving periods, time is the healer.

Some feel guilty, or wrong about this grief. They shouldn't -- It IS normal. It is NOT wrong to feel confused, uncertain, disillusioned, guilty, angry, untrusting -- these are all part of the process. In time the negative feelings will be replaced with clear thinking, joy, peace, and trust."