Longing for belonging

   It's about a year now since the Bible study meetings in our home ceased unfamously, because there were only few of us and two of them had unsolvable convictions' conflict. As i wrote, I don't feel really belonging in our mainline congregation. Now the family life demands attention and has to be in the center.
   And it's already ten years since the last spring in the community, when once I felt I couldn't really agree with certain attitude of some brethren. I don't remember the details but it was connected to a 'guest', perhaps too quickly rejecting him when he didn't agree with us. This summer ten years ago I felt I didn't belong to the community wholeheartedly and I felt somehow less accepted, less trusted by the community. Then I had some thoughts about life outside, and some dreams at night that I was again with my parents That frightened me for I was still faithful to the only-church-teaching. Anyway it looks like God was a bit preparing me for the exclusion.
   Well, now I feel somewhat alone spiritually again and with new challenges to find spiritual activities that fit my familiy as well.

Feeling excluded without exclusion

   Still years after the exclusion I haven't found satisfying lasting friendships. Well, kids take much of energy. But also I haven't got used with the relationsips in a 'usual' congregation. There is a time for free conversations with coffe/tea and some food together each Sunday, but often nobody comes to join my family in our table. Everybody seems to have their other friends to talk with. Well there is a custom of greeting by hand and perhaps saying some words, but then they go their way. And I tend to be too occupied with kids or some problems and sometimes just overwhelming loneliness that I don't have extra energy and ideas to start to talk with somebody myself.  It may sound just complaining, but it's a fight for me not to feel too useless and unimportant there and alone with my daily struggles.
    Especially hard is when an important e-mail (in church context) is not answered or the answer delays. Then I feel really anxious, rejected etc, similar to the exclusion experience. I get fear I wrote or did something wrong causing the rejection, and hopelessness I can ever learn to fit in and feel really belonging.
In the community there was a good habit to answer e-mails just 'received' or 'thank you', so that the sender knew it was received and seen. Well there was much less e-mail communication than people may have outside the community but anyway I find it was a good habit.

As others don't come, so don't I

"As others don't come to fellowship this time, I won't come either." Said by a former leader and faithful participant. What is it? Just effect of burn-out? Avoiding even possibility for personal talks? It hurts and makes me feel rejected again. And somewhat guilty of doing something wrong in relationships again.

Theological Castle vs Life of Struggles

In the community we lived in a safe theological castle, but the life of most of people consists of various struggles: for job, health, relationships, caring for kids and/or other relatives etc.
We had much free time for Bible talks together and with outside people. The tasks were divided between several brethren, so less burden remained for everyone. We didn't need to deal with people who didn't join our life-style. But in outside life one has to take care for all his/her material needs and those of his/her family, and of cause for the spiritual, mental, emotional and any other need. And in the broken world around us there are many broken people and broken families who do not meet the standards of our community. So one has to and can experience God in the middle of his daily duties and struggles, not first of all via thological discussions. (there should be some Biblical knowledge as well, of cause)
In the desert, Israel had to learn very basic lesson of depending on Jahwe for their food and everything. In usual family life, there may remain not much energy for special Christian meetings or activities (like mission and Bible discussion). The Christianity must be intergrated into the usual life, into the ways we do things. Well, i think the community did not say we were not Christians while we were at work or in university, but they emphasized being together too much. They didn't consider the (outward) diversity of ways one may live with Christ.

Good and bad side of the community

To give some balance I try to list what I think was good and what bad in the community.

 Good was:

- everyone encouraged and allowed to contribute - teaching that every Christian is called to serve God and people, not just the clergy.
- Bible-study, knowing the right teaching valued and practiced (but probably too strict concerning some details and too demanding for mentally weaker ones)
- meeting often to strengthen, encourage/admonish and serve each other, sharing our lives  (but in expense of all other relationships)
- relationships, loving of every brother/sister the same way was valued, building relationship with every brother, not only symphatic ones. 

- evangelization encouraged and practiced (the content of message was not always ok: community-centered instead of Jesus-centered)
- devotion, giving all our life (but sometimes extreme) 

- discipline, balance between bodily and spiritual: daily walks, rest after work/before common time (only too uniform, for all the same)

...

 Bad was:

- discouraging personal time, making too dependant on each other instead of God. (I mean, it was seen negative, when somebody didn't join common activities, but wanted to be alone)
- making our life-style as the only possible for a Christian. Daily meeting and frequent traveling are not affordable in poorer countries and for families with little children. Some may have specific tasks for certain social group (seniors, orphans, homeless, addicts, poor, prisoners, etc). etc.

- extreme, loveless, dependent-making delimitation/separation form all outsiders, including own family. So they cannot experience our love.
- too exhausting schedule. There were changes for better: walks became shorter, WM topics not at night etc.
- activity as the main measure of endeavoring, bodily weakness sometimes mixed up with little endeavoring 

Good theory but bad application

- no hierarchy, 'all are brothers', but the special position of GH (rather according to other's words, I don't have much personal experience of it)

- theoretically allowed to marry (theory about marriage probably insufficient because of lack of practical experience), but in practice forbidding marriage -> making the yoke too hard for several + insincerity
- according to the Apologia we were open, but really closed for justified corrections and learning from people outside

- fighting for holiness together, but sometimes too much dealing with sins, calling too many things a sin, not trusting enough one's self-assessment and God's work in the other

Place for everybody in the car

Why do little things sometimes hurt so nastily?
I liked to belong to the community as into a big family. We were together our daily free time, we shared our lives with each other, belonged together. We met brothers from other towns at weekends. In winter we often rented some classrooms in a schoolhouse for this. Sunday evening we packed our things, made order after ourselves and drove home. There was a place for everyone in the vans.
Not all was in a good balance there, but I miss especially this belonging into a big family. Everybody was waited to the meetings, everybody was called to take responsibility for our common life and mission, an everyone did it more or less. There was time to talk personally.
Well, this year I have already the second time am frustrated after a period of daily meetings. There was a week-long conference and a two-week course where I was daily together with some people. And after this time, the world outside of our community seems especially individualistic and cold. Everyone returns to his den to his private life or other friends. And I'm again only in two in my immediate family.
Both times, it seems, I expected something according my community's standards. To be a bit longer together, to share still something before the departure.. I forgot I was not any more in the community where knowing each other and sharing is of much higher value than usually..
So there was a situation that reminded our community weekend cleanup. I expected to get a lift with a car as it had often happened.. But without any explanation somebody else was invited to the car and there were not enough places for all of us in the car...
Well, it's their car, not a common van as in the community. Perhaps we even don't win much in time comparing to taking bus. It's matter of relationships, of belonging together,... If they had at least given a reason for the choice in the very situation, it could have been easier. I cannot blame them really, it's a clash of different sub-cultures. In the community the vans united us, enabling us to meet brothers in other towns, but outside, cars tend to separate, because there is often not enought space for everyone who might join. :(

Touch no unclean

Isaiah 52 : 11 Depart, depart, go out from there! Touch no unclean thing! Come out from it and be pure, you who carry the vessels of the Lord. 12 But you will not leave in haste or go in flight; for the Lord will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard.

We liked to use the quotation of this verse in the New Testament to invite to come out from the world and avoid unclean, to avoid sinners. But here the next verse sais, "But you will not leave in haste or go in flight; for the Lord will go before you". So we needn't be too much afraid of contacts with unbelievers. The Lord is with his own to guard.

God is Love

About an article on the community's website God is love.
Even active love as a sign of a Christian is an important topic, it took a long time to write about love for the website.. Does it hint to some lack in our love? Or were we too busy in practice of love in other areas?
God's love is giving. He gave us this life and everything. Even more, he gives us eternal life in his son Jesus. He makes us able to love.
Love is not an intense feeling, but is connected with the decision and will to always want the very best for someone.
Only God's love can fulfill our longing for being loved perfectly.


God's love tells the truth, discloses hypocrisy and all other sin, even when it causes unpleasant feelings. E.g: "God gives us everything we need, and gave us many things and abilities for us to love and do good. When we sin we abuse these good gifts from God, using them for evil, without respecting what they were entrusted to us for. A son who squanders all the inheritance his loving, caring father gave him on evil pleasures dishonours and rejects his father. Likewise we dishonour and reject God when we don't ask God how he wants us to live."
-- we dishonor God when we don't use our abilities for good. Not that pleasant to hear, but also challenging to repent.

But I didn't see in the article the famous passage of love from 1Cor 13 "Love is patient, love is kind, love forgives, love doesn't keep list of wrongs..."

God loves everyone, not just the sympathetic ones. Jesus even told to love our enemies and to pray for persecutors, but I didn't notice that last fact in the article.

Love binds Christians together. Love gives also each other trust and freedom. Love doesn't rule over the other.

The first Christians shared even their properties with each other. Anyway, I suppose Jesus didn't want us to make other dependent on ourselves.


...

"You haven't changed your hateful attitude"

About the letter to Gottfried H from the Österreichischen Studentenmission (ÖSM)

Kluge publishes a letter from ÖSM to Gottfried from the year 1980, where they ask him not to visit their meetings any more, because of his unchanged hateful attitude towards them. Josef explains the reason of Gottfried's attitude was the fundamentalist view of the ÖSM that ignores the knowledge of science.

I didn't meet G. very often, but from these meetings and from what I heard from others, I would think that he didn't have really good attitude in this matter. And finally, his exclusion from the community had also some connections to his disrespectful ways of talking to brothers! But it took ~20 years for brothers to realize that he would have needed more brotherly correction..

"You Are All Brothers" (Matt 23:8b)

They, or we, claimed to follow only Christ, no human leader or prophet. We didn't have positions like pastor, priest, bishop, or even elder. As in the Bible time there wasn't one pastor over the flock, but several elders from among them, we were just brothers and sisters. Material tasks were divided according to abilities and time everyone had. Elder and more obedient brothers had tasks of bigger responsibility, but there were no fixed rules who was an 'elder brother'.
Everyone was expected to study the Bible, to share his thoughts and recognitions with others and to evangelize.
* By 'brother' we often didn't mean only males, it's just shorter than 'brothers and sisters', the English translation for German Geschwister and Hungarian testverek. Even English was our common language in my time there, there were only few native English-speakers among us.
* 'Obedient' meant obedient to God, of cause. But in fact, it was mixed with obedience to our community's views.

1Cor 14:24 But if an unbeliever or someone who does not understand comes in while everybody is prophesying, he will be convinced by all that he is a sinner and will be judged by all, 25 and the secrets of his heart will be laid bare. So he will fall down and worship God, exclaiming, "God is really among you!"
26 What then shall we say, brothers? When you come together, everyone has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. All of these must be done for the strengthening of the church.... 29 Two or three prophets should speak, and the others should weigh carefully what is said. 30 And if a revelation comes to someone who is sitting down, the first speaker should stop. 31 For you can all prophesy in turn so that everyone may be instructed and encouraged. 32 The spirits of prophets are subject to the control of prophets.

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Gruppenegoismus

Mr. Kluge describes our arrogant attitude towards denominations and unfortunately it was so. We were much more devoted to the doctrines and to each other than they; we had given up our relationships, possessions, sometimes profession, town, country for living in the community - this was our new family, the God's nation, outside was the world that moves to the condemnation. Inside we were protected from it's evil. Our love to them was expressed by teaching and living the right doctrine..
I think it's right: in the Church we should have protection from the world, Christians should differ from non-Christians and keep themselves pure and holy. We are to assess, warn and encourage each other and unbelievers. But our love should help unbelievers to see the love of Christ in practice. Even we are holy, we are not yet perfect, we ourselves are in a process of sanctification. Many of us were once unbelievers, living in the sins of the world. God has forgiven us and has saved us by grace, so we should be patient with others as He has been with us.. But too often we assumed that we were right because of our greater devotion, correct doctrine, biblical life-style and the Catholics, Baptists and all the others were wrong just because they don't understand or don't practice something as we did. I do think that e.g. Catholics have several false, unbiblical teachings, or that denominations may tolerate some sins too much or to prefer their traditions to the Bible, but i mean: we focused rather on the wrong and weren't ready to learn from outsiders what was good. I suppose it was a way to defend ourselves from outward influence.

Concerning name-calling, I don't remember of hearing of 'Catholic terror organization', but some expressions sounded disrespectful. Well, 'Jehovah false witnesses' seems more justified.. I can recall hearing such expressions only from single older brothers, but generally we were critical towards others.

The same self-defending, opponent-accusing attitude is exemplified by Josef's Apology: he doesn't admit justified criticism but only defends the community. It's not humble enough. It's also a reason why I'm writing this blog: Mr. Kluge has accusing attitude in his description, and Josef is not enough objective either.